I read a ton of blogs, I mean A LOT of them. Mostly mommy blogs because I can relate since I am a mommy. And everywhere I look I see all these fun pictures of activities that they are doing with their kids, and smiles and relatively happy mommies and kids.
Now, I know that looks can be deceiving and they are not that happy all the time, I mean I am not naive but I know that they are at least enjoying their kids.
I however am not…..well that’s not entirely true. I enjoy my daughter most of the time. I have always enjoyed being her mom, never questioned whether I should have had her, never wondered what life would be like without her. Even when she reached the teenage years and became snotty and opinionated! We still spend time together and heck I can still get her to cuddle with me. Those are the moments I love the most!
Almost 6 years ago, we had our son and I was happy because I would get to enjoy all those moments with 2 kids instead of just 1 and since I had so much love to give, another child was perfect.
That was flawed thinking…..don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my son, but most days I don’t like him.
Because of his outbursts that border on violent, I no longer enjoy being his mother.
These outbursts don’t just happen every once in awhile, they are constant, all the time.
The screaming never ends.
He tells me that I am the worst mom ever, that he hates me.
My daughter has been crying herself to sleep at night.
I just found out about that, she must be like me, good at hiding just how bad we feel.
He throws things, all day long, sometimes at me.
He never listens.
Want to know what sets him off?
Telling him it’s not lunchtime 10 minutes after breakfast. I give him a healthy serving for breakfast, bordering on too much to make sure he is eating enough.
Telling him he needs to clean his room. His room is deadly, no really, my mother told him that he could fall and break his neck, didn’t phase him. I tried going into his room the other day and I almost fell. (and before you say to take away his toys, yes I have done that, MANY times. Those are the times that he has destroyed things…..like the toilet, things that belonged to his sister, the paint on his walls. Or worse, he got a hold of scissors and cut his hair AND his eyelashes. That is why I don’t take toys away because we can’t afford to fix everything or I don’t want him poking his eyes out.)
Not letting him just walk into his sisters room whenever he feels like it.
Not letting him get into her stuff.
Telling him he has to pee in the toilet, not the trashcan less than a foot away from the toilet.
Asking him nicely to play with LOUD toys in his room, not standing less than a foot away from me.
Not letting him yell loudly at me while I am on the phone.
Telling him no he can’t watch TV at 3am that he needs to go back to sleep.
Telling him it’s bedtime. That’s when the worst outbursts happen. That’s when he makes his sister cry. That’s when I am the worst mom.
That’s a short list of things that set him off. And I don’t mean regular every day hissy fits that all kids throw, I’m talking screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing heavy objects at walls, hitting things, clenching his fists so tight his knuckles turn white, gritting his teeth so badly that even I can hear them (I have a hearing impairment for those that don’t know me), nostrils flaring and face turning bright red.
I try talking to him calmly, explaining why his behavior is not acceptable. I try not to lose my temper and yell back at him. I try everyday.
I don’t always succeed.
Yes I am guilty of screaming back at a 5 year old. Do I like it? NO, I hate it, I hate yelling. I get major headaches because of it.
But I reach my breaking point.
I have no clue how to parent this little monster that used to be my cuddle monkey.
Sometimes I lose my desire to try harder.
Someday’s I completely shut down.
Someday’s I cry so much that I think I can’t cry anymore.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this.
*We have a meeting with a behavioral specialist next month, hopefully they can help. Hubby doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want them medicating our son, but he finally gave in to me because he sees how this is affecting all of us.